melvins interview by patrick kennedy
From the black metal issue of bigbrother skateboarding 1999
transcribed by paul henschel

'twas a time at the dawn of rock 'n' roll when one king buzzo ruled
the wastelands, presiding over serf and lork alike. one day, into the
dominion he overseeth came a'riding sir crover the fair and another
knight: sir cevin of cows. beseeching his majestry's fine ear, these
wandering knights and sometimesd ministrels offered, as tribute, the
fine gift of rythm to compliment king buzzo's ethereal lute playing.
thusly, the melvins were birthed, and the eunuchs danced, and merrily
the fauns of the forest and nymphs of the river slapped their
cloven hooves and fishy tails togheter, thanking the heavens for
such an otherworldly miracle. and in this year of the lord 1999, the
melvins grant the universe a bounty of fruit from their tree: a trilogy
of records on lpecac and another fine paech on man's ruin.

> okay, you're sitting in a diner and they have a little jukebox at
your table. you have one quarter, and all they have on there in bathory
and venom. whats it gonny be?

i'd play venom. i always thought bathory was a rip-off of venom. venom
were the first ones-corrects me if i'm wrong-to be blatanly satanic trash.
after them, that kind of music stopped, because then everything sounded
like bad versions of bathory. i never listen to that stuff, but i do listen
to venom. they're funny. all that stuff, the norwegian black metal stuff-

> did you read lords of chaos?

i made it halfway through. i thought those guys were a bunch of candy
asses, that varg guy sitting in prison saying, "oh, i am so mad, they took
away my computer." let's put hin in prison in arkansas with his long
hair and his little, girly mouth. imprisoned death metaler with a fucking
computer... what he needs is about ten brothers to show him what's what.
that stuff is bullshit, mildly amusing. i saw a couple of those bands in
europe, up in the northern part, and they were totally boring and totally
bad. at this point, bands doing black metal are about as stupid as bands
playing with gbh haircuts. but i really like slayer a lot, and sepultura,
entombed and brutal truth.

> what about older metal?

i don't listen to a lot of it. i like judas priest; i can listen to unleashed
in the east. i never got rid of those albums, even during my punk-rock days.
i hate hippies. i fucking hate hippies. there is nothing i hate worse than

> ever been in trouble with the law?

no, i don't break the law. you'd be surprised how few police hassles you'll have
when you are not breaking the law. i'm Basically a law-abiding citizen. some
people might be offended by the way i look though.

> anyone ever tell you you look like the guy from the cure?

yeah, i actually get mistaken for him a lot.

> how the hell do you keep your hair up like that?

i just let i do what it wants.

> so what's up with all these new melvins albums coming out?

well, it's been two years since we've put out a record. we do a lot of
different kinds of things, so we decided to spread it out over three different

> the first one is the heavy one, right?

heavy is as heavy does. the second album is the wimpy one-well, we compared to
the first. third one is going to be the experimental one, or as dale calls it,
the "unlistenalbe" one.

> you mean like the album prick you did?

no, nothing like that. and if people have a problem with that album, then they
should go listen to green days entire catalog or limp bizkit. limp bizkit are
one of the dumbest bands i've ever seen. we only did ozzfest because tool wanted
us to. ozzfest are too fucking stupid to have anything to do with us. a bunch
of hip-hop-oriented garbage.

> christ, they put motorhead on the side stage.

see, you're assuming that the public knows who motorhead is, all those little
15-year old kids. htey like bands like limp bizkit. you get a crowd in the
16.000 capacity: the intelligenze level goes down to nothing: a bunch of of
stupid morons who know nothing about music, who blindly go and listen to
whatever is on mtv. and for some reason, and i cannot comprehend this, they like

> did you ever like ozzy?

i never listened to his solo albums. i always thought they were kinda stupid. i
mean, who fucking cares? i'd rather go to the movies any day than sit thruogh
that limp, sorry shit. is anyone in the world ever going to show me some worth
for that worthless drug addict? ozzy is a buck-toothed Mummy. it's horrrible; his
brain is completely ruined, yet they're propping him up every night with two
teleprompters that have six-inch letters of "generals gathered in their masses."
fuck you;i mean fuck you! forty Bucks to see that fucking garbage. ozzfest is the
most ass-kicking garbage you will evr see. some of the most worthless turds in
the world run that.

> you guys always get compared to sabbath for some reason-i have no idea why.
then bands like nashville pussy get compared to lynryrd skynryrd.

it's a good Thing they have two chicks in that band: one who blows fire, because
they need some kind of schtick to pull away from the fact that their band sucks.
i don't need to hear some 50th generation of bad ac/dc. dale met those guys once.
he said the bass player was a total cunt. i'd liek to say this to her: "listen
'dude', you're lucky you don't have a penis, because no one would give a fuck
about you. good luck on mercury records." but having said that, the only reason
i'm pissed off is because dale's one of the nicest guys in the world. if they're
gonna pull that kind of swaggering bullshit, then fuck them.

> reviewers just don't get you guys.

well, half of them-just look at their records collections, and you'll see why.
"oh, you like the new metallica album..." so of course they aren't gonna like
us. bands like korn and limp bizkit-crybaby, dat-rape bands. i'll say the same
thing about them as i do about eddie vedder:at this point, i'd like to think they
could afford a therapist.

> what other big, crybaby bands have you toured with?

nine inch nails. i thought it would be funny to tour with the stupid, synth-pop
band, but when i got there, they weren't bad. live, it was pretty crazy and kinda
funny. the dallas crowd was pretty nasty to us. after were done, trent ran out and
said they wouldn't play if anyone threw anything else, and the audience just died.
what a bunch of pussies. we just played this place with tool-went out played one
song, said good night, and i jumped in the audience, grabbed some kid who had been
flipping me off and strangled till he was almost unconscious then ran out. it was
great. that kid shit his pants when i jumped down there. people try all that shit
when you're up there, but they never say a word when you're in the parking lot.
i'd love nothing more than to knock some 15-year-old kid's dick in the dirt. go
ahead and flipping me off there, jack, i'm not afraid of jail.

> unless you're in arkansas. hell, if you're in norway, maybe it would be fun.

yeah, me and varg in jail, talking about dungeons and dragons.

> are you just gonna keep making music albums till you are dead?

sure, i'm healthy and vibrant, and i think we're doing good Music. so i don't
see why not. we've never had any hits, and we're not the ramones.