The Colossus of Destiny: A Melvins Tale

[Mints]

Jesus, Chief, that's some cynical shit. Either contribute or don't. "What's in it for me?" Seriously?

[Sludgebaby]

yeah, how would you feel if someone came up and shat on everything you've worked for? (which I'd imagine is very little, or you would be a little more understanding).

Don't listen to him guys! You're doing an awesome thing with this documentary, and 99.9999% of us are supportive and excited for it!

(I was going to suggest putting "No thanks to Chief Ten Beers" in the credits, but I think it's better to just not give him any attention)

[meezer]

I've known he was like this for a long time and appreciate his um, brutal honesty.
He'll come around, after we fund this sucker!

[anaconda]

if Dave Grohl will just retweet the kickstarter link we will go over the top!! I guarantee it!
I have been personally hounding him for the last 3 days, it's just a matter of time!

[molotov]

Hanzy, could you tell us who's already been interviewed for the movie, and who's gonna be? So that we could make some advertisements on the internet.

[Chief Ten Beers]

Chill out. Yeah, I want to see this film. I'll put in something soon here. I hope you guys aren't getting stressed out over this project and the rest goes smoothly. Sorry for being an asshole

[meezer]

Chill out. Yeah, I want to see this film. I'll put in something soon here. I hope you guys aren't getting stressed out over this project and the rest goes smoothly. Sorry for being an asshole

No. You the Man!

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[Idlehanz]

One thing that irks me about the pledge (as far as i can see) is that i do think that people that pledge 5 or 10 dollars should also get at least a download of the film. After all a download doesn't cost anything and i think that would only be fair given that those people contributed to it's funding.

It seems a little weird to me that someone could pay to make this happen yet not be able to watch the documentary. Although i understand that the intention is to get people to select an higher pledge amount in order to be able to see it.

Ya know, I'd love to quote some of the things you've said, but since you keep deleting them, I can't. 

For someone who doesn't get the interest in the kickstarter, you seem to have a lot of complaints about it.

You want Bob and I, who have spent a total of more than 7 years between us, and tens of thousands of dollars out of our own pockets, to give the film away for $5?!? $10 ?!! 

Are you serious?  Are you really serious?

You have no idea how much work we've put into this.  None.  Because if you did, you would never say something so ignorant.

[DC]

HERE'S MY LAUNDRY LIST OF COMPLAINTS SINCE EVERYONE IS BITCHING AND MOANING ABOUT EVERY SINGLE GODDAMN THING EVER:

1. If I pledge more than 50$, I should get the shirts, the hoodies, the posters, 2 copies of the extendo uber mega deluxe come-with-a-fleshlight-on-the-box-sos-i-can-fuck-it collectors edition,  with pizza delivery for a week from Buzzos dogs and a vial of every bassists blood, in a handmade Brazilian Rosewood coffin designed by Haze (spoiler alert, there will be skulls and goats), hand etched by Kevin, painted pink by the members of Boris, and with a hand numbered replica of the bottle or can or whatever it was that dick in Canada threw at buzz.

2. If I pledge more than 75$ I want Hanz to send me the camera he filmed this doc with so I can have a shot at doing it right, because he's obviously fucking it up, mailing it in, washing the true KVLT church burning past of MELVINS away for some light, pooftery affair, shitting the bed big time, only spending years and years of his life and time filming what is ultimately going to be a half assed, boring, and sexually confused bit of dare I (ironically) say "art," that makes Michael Bays Transformers 2 look like Schindlers list finger popping Precious whilst Blazing Saddles and Philadelphia awkwardly paw at each other in the corner.

3. Everyone who pitches in 5$ should get a written apology from Hanz (for not filming this in ultra space titty three dimensional 4k HD), Brian (for creating this board where we can endlessly bitch about every single goddamn nitpicky thing we do, don't, or may know about Melvins), the Band (for existing in the first place), Dave Ghrol (for not playing drums all that much anymore), Courney Love (thanks for the blowjob, my dick just fell off), and GLEN BECAUSE HE'S A FUCKIN' GREAT SOURCE OF POTASSIUM BUT HAS AN INCREDIBLY HIGH GLYCEMIC INDEX.

4. If there isn't an extended shot of some hipster girl in Olympia painting her toes while wearing a Melvins tube top, I'm pulling my funding, and me and Dave Ghrol are gonna go film a U2 documentary.

5. Actually, just give it away for free because fuck you, I'm an entitled little shit who would rather come here and complain about something that is truly amazeballs because I might have to pay a reasonable amount of money to see it than just be silent and let everyone who has a 12 foot raging full body iron balled stiffy be more excited than DC at a shoe store.


Fuck.

[jules]

*preparing to pull my Kickstarter pledge and go and live with DC instead.

[DC]

*preparing to pull my Kickstarter pledge and go and live with DC instead.

Fuck Yea, abandon ship, let's sink the bismark, scuttle this dinghy, drill a hole in this canoe.

[meezer]

I don't like the way these "filmmakers" even insinuate that I would actually watch this "film" if they don't send me popcorn with it! 

[Idlehanz]

Hanzy, could you tell us who's already been interviewed for the movie, and who's gonna be? So that we could make some advertisements on the internet.

So far we've announced:

Buzz Osborne
Dale Crover
Jared Warren
Coady Willis
JD Pinkus
Trevor Dunn
Mike Dillard
Kevin Rutmanis
Tom Flynn
Billy Anderson
Matt Lukin
Mark Arm
Paul Leary
Tom Hazelmeyer
David Yow
Greg Anderson
Lou Barlow
Steve McDonald
Toshi Kasai
Lori Barbero
Chris Cornell
Ben Shepard
Tweak Bird (both brothers)
Matt Pike
Jason Roeder
Wino
Greg Werckman
John Stanier
Al Smith
Regan Hagar
Scott Kelly
Brant Bjork
Mike Dean
JG Thirlwell
Jello
Mike Kunka

There will be more.

[DC]

I've penciled you in for 2:30 this afternoon.

[Bro Hammer]

Hanzy, could you tell us who's already been interviewed for the movie, and who's gonna be? So that we could make some advertisements on the internet.

So far we've announced:

Buzz Osborne
Dale Crover
Jared Warren
Coady Willis
JD Pinkus
Trevor Dunn
Mike Dillard
Kevin Rutmanis
Tom Flynn
Billy Anderson
Matt Lukin
Mark Arm
Paul Leary
Tom Hazelmeyer
David Yow
Greg Anderson
Lou Barlow
Steve McDonald
Toshi Kasai
Lori Barbero
Chris Cornell
Ben Shepard
Tweak Bird (both brothers)
Matt Pike
Jason Roeder
Wino
Greg Werckman
John Stanier
Al Smith
Regan Hagar
Scott Kelly
Brant Bjork
Mike Dean
JG Thirlwell
Jello
Mike Kunka

There will be more.

That is one hell of a list!
I'm really stoked you got J.G. Thirlwell! I'm really curious how he ended up working with the Melvins.
There is one person on this list who has the exact same name as me. So I'm just gonna tell people it was me, but I just had a cold and that's why I looked so different!